When our silence was broken
And I forced you to speak
I could hear the clink of each brick be laid out on the ground around me
The scrape of cement poured thicker than the words you refused to speak to me
yet I know that I was the one who pushed a boundary
I became your architect
Draft out every detail on our map
to show you exactly how to keep me out.
Gave you a reason to lock your door at night,
and a panic room with a window for you to still be able to watch me.
Understand that it's hard for an extrovert to find comfort in your silence.
I can listen for your expressions,
but after a while your looks started to all look the same.
I was always ready to rip off the heart I put on my sleeve and give it to you as proof that I really cared
thought it might help with the hesitation you seemed to be having with me.
I know you don't want me thinking you care too much.
Didn't want me to see the blood drip down your lip
from you biting your tongue so hard to stop yourself from saying something you'd probably regret.
I gave up the fear of you when I rode my bike with one hand for miles,
the other grasping at my chest.
Every gasp became a reason as to why you wouldn't care of whether or not I showed up right now,
but I kept on going.
I needed to see your face,
knew it better than your words.
Knew your eyes would tell me novels with a look more than any message
I knew you would never take the time to type out.
I had no idea what my plan was.
Maybe I could peddle hard enough to get to dive into your throat.
Scrape the walls of your smokers lung in search for any sign of life behind this fog that had come between us.
I want to believe that we aren't dead yet.
Just a little out of breathe for now,
because I know we used to move so fast.
Like every day that I saw you,
the wrinkles on your face always seemed so awkward.
It’s as if they hadn't been there in so long.
Like this kind of happiness was somehow foreign to your face,
though it always seemed so natural when I saw you
It was like I unlocked the flood gates to your emotions.
I think I've been drowning in the White Sea of your teeth ever since ever since you let them show.
For once, I didn't need your words anymore.
Just the feeling of your arm hairs reaching for mine.
I talked myself through the self-control of what it takes to stand
on the other side of the room from you and say nothing.
That's what you meant when you said I meant nothing.
Pretend you were right when you said I meant nothing.
That the way you reached for my hand in the morning
was a habit you got from her.
It really did mean nothing.
You just hadn't really woken up yet.
And I wish I hadn't either,
but I can feel the gunk fall from my eyes every time I try and scrub you off my lips.
Every morning becomes a little clearer as I stop scanning the notifications on my phone
for signs that I know I'll never receive from you.
Our bad days almost always outweighed the good ones.
But Somehow the odds always seemed in our favor.
And as much as I'd like to trust the universe
these signs are getting a little hard to follow.
Now I'm ready to taste the sweetness in someone's kiss.
Want to love with the satisfaction of someone willing to love me back,
and it's not to say that you didn't care.
But I'm backing away from the iced coffee that we used to drink together,
Getting tired of playing ping pong with our thoughts when you keep hitting the ball off the table.
You knew sports were never my forte,
and you stopped playing after High School.
So I’m not gonna waste any more money on an effort that just makes me sick.
So here’s to a new season.
I think I’ll keep on making art,
Use what’s left of me to tell my stories of love and loss.
And maybe I’ll see you again,
In the humps among letters
We’ll play high and seek in the syllables
And maybe one more time
In the space between goodbyes
We can reminisce on where it is we used to meet every night.