We died that night.
With the loss of my breathe and my head on the pavement instead of your chest 
I screamed so loud I could feel my vocal chords rip, 
but I can’t even remember the sound.

I somehow am forgetting the way that you looked.
The words you said or lack there of, 
maybe the liquor conquered the attempts to pull our muscles away,
or maybe it was the reason they felt so free to roam.

I’ll be convinced with the idea that it wasn’t real.
Learn to look at what we gained, prevent seeing other potential. 
I’ll start to believe we were platonic.
I won’t be blinded by the promise of what never really existed. 
Stop living in the truth of our drunken confessions.

But maybe,

Maybe this isn’t even necessary. 
Maybe the beauty of what we had 
was to bring potential to my words. 
Maybe I used you to have a reason to feel again, 
to have a reason to write again.

Maybe I used you worse than you used me.
Drove this situation with selfish intentions 
all with the goal of ripping your whole life apart.
And I know I did. 
But I can’t believe that any part of me wanted to be a negativity in your life.

All I worked for was your smile.

Danced with the movements of your breathe 
to fit in with your beating of your chest.
I memorized lines to prove that I really cared.
Know you lived for the truth but struggled to find your own.
You love your home regardless of the fact that there’s nothing there.
You have a fondness for cats and middle names,
and there’s something about your fingers in pets fur that gives you peace of mind even if it’s just for the morning.

Now who is qualified enough to judge this situation.
We could dwell in the negative for hours.
Create proof to show that we destroyed more than we created,
but I really don’t care to believe that.

How can we believe anything that would go against how good it felt to live in no other place but the present,

Even just for a moment?
Feel your hand in my hair my breathe on your cheek,
I never felt a stronger force than the one pulling me closer when everything else was falling apart.

Reality is just a constant reminder 
to prove that nobody really knows what is going on.
We live in an unknown everyday,
putting our faith in uncertainty 
becoming addicted to the chase 
and the pause between breathes.

Maybe I was a reality check,

maybe you want to not believe.
Find reason to create distance
put up walls to have the ability to deal with what’s going on.

We know these complications outweigh the benefits
and in order to survive you put what’s needed first and I’ll be there support your decision.

The gain from what you gave me isn’t involved with our future.
I couldn’t ask for anything more than what I’ve already got.

You gave me promise.
Revived my mind,
put a beat back in something I thought I lost long ago.

You gave possibility to my unknown, 
showed potential in a fear I couldn’t find justified but was still too afraid to explore.

I thought I was dead inside.

So maybe what you’re doing is wrong.
And maybe that goes the same for me too,
but regardless of the harm you might cause,
mistakes to come or not yet made 
you’ll get through.
And maybe not in the same way, 
but I’ll get through too.

May 2016

Put to the music of:

Lapsley - Station