We think we know pain.
We’d like to think we know pain.
We’d like to want to think we know when to expect to see the knife before it cuts into the pit of your gut.
Think you can at least see it before you.
Grab the blade before it hits. 
Maybe try a little harder to convince you to believe me when I say the word "Stop," 
This isn’t you.

But your words hit harder than bullets,
and I felt risk the day I walked in range. 
My biggest mistake was when I trusted you with the safety.
Your biggest mistake was not pulling away from me.
You said I made pulling the trigger easy.
But we stopped using water guns years ago,
now these stains in our shirts won’t dry clean of the words I bled out to you.

I gave up part of me, 

too much of me.
I gave you everything I could all at once in hopes to trust you’d give it back
and maybe that's where I went wrong.

You couldn’t handle my words.
Couldn’t be there for a grieving soul,

too busy picking through the ruin of what I showed you was inside me.

You found sea glass in my misery.
Pieces that seemed so rare that you cared to push the sand around a little longer.
Each new motion killing me a little bit harder.
You fell in love with my memories,
evidence to show that someone else is hurting too.
And somehow still surviving.

Maybe suffering together made it easy,

Maybe you liked to sit in fire.
Loved the kiss of me burning on your skin,
So we lit sparks inside each other we thought died. 
Gave light back to the oil lamps in our homes

that the storms of past lovers blew out.

Thought we had been robbed of everything.
We were walking around with structure but no substance, 

and in a race to what seems our future

it became hard to run on only broken stilts.

Now the past is all I use to tell of us now.
showing what we were more than what we are,
because I never could describe our limbo.
Just using words I keep rubbing together

in hopes to mock the fire that once burned between us, 
but everytime I try to write it seems we’re getting dimmer.

Maybe I’m having trouble letting go.

I have this fear, that I’ve gotten burned too many times

my nerves have given up the right to feel.
Make it hard to connect with those who care to swim vs drown in my seas.

Our past intentions make it hard  

when we fluxed as much as waves. 
I was the beat of the ocean you sang about, 

crashing on the cusp of your shore, you say I dragged you in,
with the rip tide of my sea pulling at your ankles.
I know you hated the thought of drowning,

but you gave in with the look of adventure 
and after a childhood filled with films of wanderlust dreams

I know the want for freedom in someone’s eyes when I see it.

You saw the potential of drowning, 
but learning to swim was too tempting to not give in,
so you laid back. 
Floated into my current with months of clear skies ahead 
there was no need to struggle even when we couldn’t see the ground.
It wasn’t until touching was no longer an option that we started to panic 
Looked for some sort of surface to scrape onto that wasn’t just our skin.

We lost all our bearings 
in the promise of our future.
We only saw what we wanted when our eyes were closed.
But now we’re forced to be blinded by the sun of our reality 
Feel the pain of our truth as it stings the back of your retina.
Let my face become the blur you see in the morning when you open your eyes to the sun.
Now everytime you look away you see the outline of what was there 
We try to blink to bring it back sometimes 
though eventually everything fades.
But there is no fear in losing this sight 
When it repeats with every morning

Self Defense Techniques

June 2016

Put to the music of:

Explosions in the Sky - Remember me as a time of day